Gte hit a new low, I took a poopnap, passed out mid poop on the toilet.
we drove through mcdonalds and ordered everything on the dollar menu. We told the workers that were making Super Size Me 2, drove away without paying and told them to bill our producer.
James and whatshisface bought me drunks. I am drinks.
Well I'm currently debating between getting toilet paper or getting my eyebrows waxed so... There's that
He just stared me dead in the eye as he continued to beat off. Then said "you were going to catch me sooner or later".
I met my future husband in an elevator. Think Hispanic version of Dr. Bunsen Honeydew from the Muppets, but with eyes like Michael Fassbender.
I've discovered my ability to crush a man's ego is greater than my hate for beer.
Lack of response to this text gains you a half hour of freedom before I initiate operations to conclude you are not, in fact, comatose. You requested no mercy.
I think I pulled a muscle in my tongue.
sorry? thank you? I love you?
All she said to me before going to get another shot was "Damn, I'd eat her out."
My neighbour just came round to ask why we posted a spatula through his door at 3am. What do I tell him??
Hey I’m obsessed with Charlie Heaton from stranger things...not because he got caught at the border with coke...okay that’s a lot of it
If I get back to the house before you, I'm setting up the swing. If you get there before me, it's chains and cuffs.
A good example of deductive reasoning: Knowing that when my girlfriend texts me "I promise not to smoke all your weed!" that she is...at that VERY moment...Smoking All Of My Weed.
Accidentally mixed my gin with cold brew coffee instead of cranberry juice. It’s bad. But I’ll finish it. Never leave a fallen soldier.
Randomize
