why do i have 22 missed calls from someone who is literally saved in my phone as bumrape star??
bad: friday night i tripped and fell outside my dorm. worse: i just found out i broke my ankle. worst: i was shitfaced and don't remember any of this.
Id love to say been there done that but im a slutty drunk not a stupid one.
and he's drinking a bud lime in his profile pic meaning i can out drink him, meaning i would clearly be the alpha in our relationship
Whoever brought the pigeon, please come and remove it from my living room.
I stared at his lazy eye for so long, he thought I had one too. Then we bonded over our lazy eyes. I had to fake one all night. My head is fucking killing me. NEVER pretend to have a lazy eye.
So the bartender tried kicking me out but i screamed im an RA you cant kick me out
THERE ARE SO MANY ALCOHOLS IN MY BLOOD RIGHT NOW
You can't be friends with my side piece. Conflict of interest.
You're like my little fucked up version of the groundhog seeing its shadow, only it's boobs and warm weather.
I just want somebody to fondle my boobs while I read fanfiction. Is that too much to ask?
Did you come home, throw out a ton of shoes, then leave again?
That is exactly what I did.
Memeber that time you got detained in Poland. We don’t talk about that enough
that may or may not have been my penis.
getting my period the day i moved was my bodies way of saying 'congratulations youre not leaving town with anybodies babies!'
As long as it's more "this is where i see an issue" vs "psst.... tiddies" then i have no argument
Randomize