So I was talking to her on the phone last night and had to mute it so I could take a crap.
Side Note: My mute button doesn't work.
He told me to pretend to be a shark, and he would slay me with his harpoon cock.
the awesomeness of being snowed in wore off after we ran out of beer and we realized we really didnt want to be stuck with everyone.
She's yelling about threesomes and realllly wants you to come over. Put the pieces together.
okay. this is james and youre probably never ever gonna see me again unless i really really really want some pussy. sorry.
Heaven was on the 3rd floor and Hell was on the first. When the cop walked up he was confused as to who the noise complaint was for and wrote both apartments a noise violation.
It was worse than that time I did shots of BBQ sauce and pierced my own ear with a thumbtack
I'm getting kicked out of the place we're at. They don't like ketchup on their walls..
I have to be more responsible. I've dropped three lighters into my bong today.
I found one of your hair extensions on the dance floor. You put it back in your hair
So apparently after I spilled candle wax down the front of my pants, I went to the store, bought condoms, and passed them out to everyone at the bar.
I thought they were lying to me about the condoms, until I found the receipt in my pocket.
We also had a full on debate about how realistic and useful teleportation and time travel would be...and only used Twilight Zone episodes as "scientific evidence"
You had sex with a kid to spare him the shame of being a virgin. Evidence is on my side.
Getting blackout drunk infront of my family was never on my bucket list, but now that I've done it I'm cool with it.
i feel like i got punched in the face....
you did....
Randomize
