I can't believe the cop was so cool about the whole thing, I mean, I had man mayo all over my jeans.
fyi, i just bought my first strap-on. the little mermaid theme song was playing in the background.
I accidentally asked my mom for a blowjob because 'mom' and 'molly' are next to each other in my address book.
You're just mad at the fact that I want to be a car alarm.
i didn't realize we were even dating until i ran out of weed
It turns out tequila bombs is really code for straight shots of tequila…who would have guessed?
pretend your vagina is a choco taco and the guy is someone who really loves choco tacos. let him enjoy the choco taco.
Just watched a girl fall down the stair and be to drunk to get up. The only stair in the bar. It's like watching a turtle on it's back.
I brought ur friend Scotty home... He started rubbing my crotch then fell down and passed out in front of the microwave
All I've done this weekend is cum and drink. I think it's safe to say I'm dehydrated.
this place is dumb. no one understands my Sunday morning alcoholism here.
Somehow my family started talking about sex toys at breakfast.
that sounds horrible...
what could possibly go wrong attempting to re-enact the dinosaur capture scene from Jurrasic Park... I have the net gun and camcorder you have the dino costume and can run
It's only awkward the first ten minutes you realize it's not your house.
you yelled, puked and cried then passed out in the fetal position in your underwear
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