I read the police report. You asked the cop if you could use his in-car computer to update your facebook. No way you get out of a DUI.
At least drunk you showered before switching sex partners last night.
How long can I microwave pasta with a 20 percent alcohol content?
I thought of you while cleaning the forehead prints off my glass doors.
She passed out in the backyard, making "face down" snow angels ... so they could have a smile.
Next time when I try to seductively eat onion rings while drunk remind me of tonight.
Picture this: me driving down 183 throwing up into a towel. I just hit rock bottom.
Hey guy that stepped on my foot, don't slap my ass to apologize.
What's the point of bringing a Jack and Coke to work if my boss is just gonna piss and moan about me day drinking again?
I think we should have a sex position advent calendar
just call my name and ill be there, if we are puking, beating up bitches, or pickin up men, OR avoiding wierd men, so many situations require a wingman
Also Fuck you Stephen King and Fuck the horse you rode in on, making me cry In front of my coworkers.
Remember that gum I swallowed 3 days ago? I just threw it up.... whole.
I just found out through a drunken phone call that my parents thought I'd grow up to be a porn star. It's kind of scary how accurate they were at how skilled I'd be at sex.
Mom just walked in on a bj. IT'S WHATEVER.
Randomize