Jesus knows you're telling a lie.
Jesus stopped reading my text messages when I started drunk texting boys to hookup
My workout was carrying 2 cases home from the grocery. It's Bowl Week.
Her facebook status is 'PERCS ON DECKKK~' which is probably why she still lives with her parents.
You know, he picked a really shitty time to stop sleeping with me to pay attention to his girlfriend.
Hey bring in backup. its going to take a lot more beer than we think to fill up the water bed...
He kept making me pretend I was his personal trainer. When I swallowed his cum he made me pretend I was drinking a protein shake. Thats actually what it tasted like.
Yeah.. he went to Tebow in the middle of the crosswalk and got hit by a cab... The yellow ones really don't stop
If I have to give a UPS guy a lap dance, you owe me a drink.
Ive been thinking this might sound random.. But we need a piano in our house next year specifically for railing chicks on it.
I just had a horrible epiphany. I have fucked girls younger than Star Tours
This text was so worth waking up to
If Anthony Weiner can get in trouble for sexting 2 or 3 girls I dunno how politicians will make it in 10 years.
Lol I would vote for a guy that is trying to be a senator that has a viral video of him motorboating a topless chick
THE VODKA TRAIN IS NOW PULLING INTO THE STATION
We just banged and he's microwaving shrimp noodles and I'm eating tostitos alone in the dark this is why our relationship works
masturbating on the freeway is more stressful than it sounds
Last time I "ran into him" I ended up with the clap and had to explain why the ladder was missing from the garage.
Randomize
