I'm dying. Please wear something slutty to my funeral.
She's hot, in a Megan Fox with Down's Syndrome kinda way. Like, she'd win Miss Deliverance Pageant
At least she's the hottest one. Oh well, it's all about stats
so, is "hi, did i take your virginity six years ago and never call afterwards?" an appropriate greeting in a bar?
I can't be held responsible for my own vagina. Let's just be honest here.
Well at least it wasn't the first time I threw up out of a second story window
Yeah. Let's save our goodbyes for when I'm obnoxiously and embarrassingly drunk and more than likely naked.
New drink: empty coke can vodka water maple syrup. Get on my level
I woke up this morning with a half eaten bagel and an empty pack of imitation crab meat in my bed. This is going to be my response to pick up lines now.
I found an industrial strength sharpie in the drawer so I started writing BONER JAM 2014 on everyone's foreheads so they kicked me out
So this is what it's like to wake up with someone else's blood in your nose...
Did you leave a mouse under my pillow again?
That’s talent right there. Maverick and Goose type shit.
I peed in front of kids, unfortunately
I think it may be easier if I stay drunk/high til the wedding. You game?
When you're as high as I am right now brushing your teeth is both magical and fucking terrifying
Randomize
