He kissed a someone with a penis
totally poinked my lawyers daughter in his hot tub last night. i figure getting off is just compensation for not getting me off.
Dude, can't find my socks anywhere....
Yeah, you took a shit in the harbor off a wall, used them to wipe. I'm sure they're still on the beach somewhere if you really want them back
Woke up to sesame street reruns and a $62 pizza bill. Never again. I mean it this time.
... thanks for letting me perform minor surgery on myself last night.
I figured if you were smart enough to sterilize with vodka, you could handle it.
The cop and I then joined forces to get you up off the sidewalk.
first reaction to dying the pubes purple - awesome. Reaction after I explain the process - not awesome. Hypothesis? when girls find out you know to bleach and dye your hair, they're turned off.
How could you not respond to a text containing the words "goat man" ?!?
I'm having one of my monday morning walk of shame coffees if you care to join.
Woke up in the ER with a nurse holding my tongue together inside of my mouth and a shattered jaw, the last thing I remember is opening the 151, care to fill me in?
I literally cut myself out of my pants. What is my life.
his mom called during sex and he made me talk to her I think we're getting serious
He left cushions on my floor, chocolate on my bra and unexplained scratches on my thighs. I think this one might get a second date.
I know. I know. He'll be weekday dick.
Should I put the spider I likely swallowed in my sleep into my calorie tracker?
Randomize
