is 1am too late, or too early to make bacon?
I just saw an old lady yelling at a dead pigeon for leaving the oven on.
he made me scream out "#24" while we fucked...no more football players
The only piece of furniture in the apartment is a wine rack.
Her tits were the only thing that upgraded her from "no way in fuck" to "drunken mistake"
You working tonight?
Keg. Hottub. Wearimnh a 8th graders bikini. Mess
Just came during my obgyn appt. I need to get laid.
At least she'll always have a story about the time she showed up to the emergency room drunk and covered in chocolate syrup on her birthday.
8:30 every morning in the third floor bathroom we fuck in the handicap stall. You have your morning workout and I have mine.
in that moment our bushes were one. and in that moment we were pure.
You humped everything and cried in an uber.
And if you haven't kicked a pigeon you haven't started your morning right
I really appreciate you taking the time to blur out my excessive boob cleavage for instagram
I don't get it. If he broke into Taco Bell at 2 am, then why couldn't he have brought me home a fucking taco???
Well you went to the bar with your crutches last night & everyone including the DJ started chanting "put your crutches in the air"
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