i just realized Britney Spears and I are more alike than I thought. Both of us have our parents in complete control of our lives, we both have restraining orders on previous boyfriends, and we all know both of us can put on a hell of a show
Dude judst bought snd smokked tfour white widoew jointsd in Asmsterdam. Wstching the Cvhiefs gsme. Oh Boy.
You are why other countries hate Americans. But I say God bless you.
it took everything i had not to yell out "your name means death in german!"
Christmas on farmville was waaaaay better than my actual Christmas.
i just realized the only form of arm exercise i get is holding my arms up in the stand up tanning booth
I caught her walking around with a fake mustache, wearing a sombrero and holding an empty carton of milk. She's a hopeless cause.
I'm pretty sure at any given moment you could wring out my liver and get a couple of shots of jäger.
As part of the off-hours team building exercises, I had my new coworkers figure out to push me back to the hotel from the nearby bars in a shopping cart every night for a week.
Who was the girl that woke me up at 4am to tell me "there's an emergency, we need you to come smoke weed"
We've started traveling with Michael and Patrick so we can pretend we're two legit straight couples.
A charade that fell apart the second another couple on the cruse found Sarah face down in my box on an observation deck.
Something tells me your "Titties for Tracy Morgan" fundraiser won't pan out.
I don't remember much from my 21st, but my mom said I insisted on the fat guy taking body shots off me
Is it possible to hurt your vagina working out, because I think my Dumbass accomplished that... 😯😟😒😓
Do I even want to know?
I told her we had to stay at the bar until at least midnight because that's when my direct deposit hit, don't tell me i'm not responsible
This girl was in the river screaming that someone didn't love her anymore...that's when the guy in a kilt claimed her...
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