so my bro's bff came over...we had an awkward "yeah we fucked and can fuck later, but let's just pretend it didn't happen in front of the family" hug.
Tell me why I go to the dollar store for nail polish remover and a ghetto black dude trys to hit on me in the parking lot, then he gets in line behind me with a dousche bag literally and that is his only purchase.
i was so fucked up i thought i was at home depot
I gotta stop tellin complete strangers at the bar that they're the godparents to my first born
Fuck you. how could you leave me passed out hangin out my truck window when you knew it was starting to rain?
As we were fooling around he told me he was conceived on this bed like it would turn me on.
My chest hair is, as we speak, arching upward to embrace my neck beard. The union will be a storied one.
Imagine getting smashed in the dick by a basketball. A basketball made of metal. With spikes. That's pretty much what his dick looked like.
I just watch that 70s show all day and blaze whenever they do. It's nice being part of the circle
I ate the last cupcake. I'm sorry. It was in the refrigerator mocking me. So I ate it. And it was glorious. But I'm sorry.
Anddon't worry about me I have my Darth Vader flashlight
Until you have had Country Grammar stuck in your head whilst writing a Supreme Court brief you've never lived.
BILL GATES DONALD TRUMP LET ME IN NOW
He took my necklace off while we were 69ing. His tongue never stopped moving either. Take that, guys who can't figure out how bras work.
Never start off a conversation with "speaking of STD's..."
In honor of the new administration, I'm going to make it my goal this weekend to get some lesbian action. Fuck Donald Trump and fuck Mike Pence. I'm going to be a spiteful gay.
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