I'm pretty sure his head is too big to fit between my legs. Worthless.
textsfromlastnight.com keeps rejecting me
that alone proves you never get laid, nor have a life.. or have anything funny to contribute to the world.
it was like getting a handjob from robocop
dude chill. we stole 18 hamburgers from her house
no. you cant fuck a burger.
He deleted all his profile pics with her. It was like the bat signal for single women everywhere.
This reunion sucks. All the confident hot girls from high school are still confident and hot, and none of the fat girls with low self esteem transformed into hot girls with low self esteem.
I did too many shots and now a kitten is trying to eat my bagel.
watched two friends get underages. one had a shirt on that said lets get wasted while the other said to the cop "i understand your just trying to do your job but that was dirty bro".
Multiple bruises and a hell of a headache later, I have still to find out where the fuck I picked up the bottom half of a mannequin.
Now that we have successfully procreated, I need to know we are on the same page. Please tell me you are aware that there are whole seasons of our lives that our child can NEVER be made privy to.
We should probably write this down. That's a shit load of shit.
Came back with a random sweatshirt, an American flag, and a for sale sign. Mission success?
I woke up hugging a box of cheerios that had "wonder woman" written in sharpie on it. So much for a sober night.
Don't send me heart emojis when you're jacking off.
Life hack: hotbox while in the car wash. It'll change your life.
I was fingering her and they busted into my room demanding to know who the best running back was, before I could say anything she moaned and said "Barry Sanders"
Randomize