9 beers later and she still looks like Gary Busey.
Any particular reason you put 2 smashed up limes in my back pocket last night?
Biggest lesson I have learned in college: Drink if you are happy. Drink more if you aren't.
Well on a lighter note, guess who just threw up in the elevator
Omg no. We ate a raw pumpkin last nighr. We dipped it in BBQ sauce.
You're wrong. It's my BIRTHDAY. We all know it's impossible to get pregnant on my diva day!
Spent 20mins wondering why my roommate wouldn't answer after we were pounding on the door.....Def went to the wrong building.
Does it make me immature that I debated going to this baby shower stoned, or am I normal as shit and everyone our age are having babies too young?
I'm watching Russian dudes pole-dance. For research.
VAL. THIS MOTHERFUCKER IS LAYING IN MY BED WEARING A CAT SHIRT, VAL. COME SAVE ME, VAL.
Nothing kills the mood quicker than kneeing him in the face during sex
How's everyone else's ass tattoo today?
Excuse you? I'm an asshole at least 90% of the time. Get it right.
Remember, I smoked so you wouldn't have to. I'm like the Jesus of Marijuana.
Side note: I apologize for sex being the subject of every single one of my texts. That's what happens when you date an older man who constantly denies you sex on the basis of his ridiculous morals.
Randomize
