I was just curling my hair topless and I just burned my nipple. Ouch.
he asked me if i "normally slept like that" because i was curled up in a ball facing the wall. then he told me that i woke up in the middle of the night and said "oh my god. i forgot you were here." how did he not understand that i didn't want him in my bed.
She had her laptop open and there was microsoft word opend and all was written was "no italianoo"
just to let you know, its not cheating if i cant feel my hands.
Just saw ur booking photo. Love that u were already wearing orange. Its like u knew
This is a mass text. Surprise drug testing at work today. Either I've finally got to fuck my boss or I've got to quit to make this all go away. Please respond with option a or b.
we didn't have anything to do and wanted to get our money's worth out of our costumes, so if you see two mermaids day drinking by the creek it's us
Which outfit says "I'm sorry for your loss but we're still banging later"?
I was like a migrating bird last night. Navigating on pure instinct. Don't remember how... but I made it home.
They should incorporate dolphins into professional surfing
She throws back shots like they are NO-THING. I swear, she goes through like five straight tequila shots, does a jello shot, chases with half a hot dog, has a rum and coke, and then takes her shirt off and makes an impromptu bandage out of it for fuckin' Tim who cut himself on the flagpole. I'm going to marry her.
Hired a new intern today and we have something in common. I blew her boyfriend in high school. Do you think she knows?
You know how I said I hit my head so hard I saw two of him and tried to make out with both? Well, it turns out he has a twin.
Apparently I drunkenly agreed to help the homeless. For once, I'm not disappointed in drunk me. Four for you, drunk self. You go, drunk self!
I have no regard for my liver, you should know this.
Randomize
