Banned from zoo.
Again?
It took you an unbelievable amount of time to realize that your ass was on fire.
currently hungover, lying in bed and cutting cheese with my drivers license. ashamed? not even a little bit.
He's married, a coworker, and a smoker. not sure which personal rule broken i'm most ashamed of...
I took both his daughters virginities. There's no way he won't give me a job
Passed out in a rocking chair on her porch. Woke up to the tow truck taking away my car.
Can we have a celebratory fuck now that the lockout is over?
You're the best girlfriend ever.
I've wasted nicer days than this hungover and dry heaving in bed.
What's up with the fire hydrant in the laundry room?
I need a "closed for the season, thanks for a great summer" sign for my vagina
Your mom won me $100 and you showed me your tits. Solid evening.
He was lasting forever and I couldn't take it so I faked an asthma attack
I've got to stop fucking tourists. If Chicagos piazza is anything like their dicks. I'm moving.
Every time I try to do something productive I end up searching ghost porn.
She said she hasn't cheated on me in 7 and a half days and she'd like praise for that.
Randomize