How many nights a week you wake up with sticky boxers cause you were dreaming of Clay Aiken? Your wife mad?
dude my grandmas the shit. she has a sixth grade education and got hit by a car when she was 18. she cant smell.
That bar we were at last night smelled like cougars. Virginia Slims, Aqua Net and Summer's Eve.
Taking a shot for every status related to the patriots losing. Hello hospital.
You woke up in the middle of the night and told me we won the sweepstakes, the penis sweepstakes.
We were all singing so you said you were going to play a percussion instrument... the crackers.
I am way too high for this. Some guy just keeps talking about music and life goals and he apparently has lived in every city we mention we are going
she's using motion activated glade air fresheners as some sort of early warning system
I am a human short and spout . Here is my jager Herr is my redbull . When i get real drink i shout out. Tip me over and pour yeager out
I guess I just laid down next to him with the entire pot of mac n cheese and started giving him a handie with one hand and eating with the other
She said "oh yeah" like Hulk Hogan with the muscle flex and everything. Totally digging this chick
I know you're asleep, but I just had a motherfucking epiphany.
I don't remember anything but bad decisions last night
Such a shame we didn't work out. We would've been a power couple producing NFL linemen :/
Dude I got in an Uber this morning and he goes “I drove you last night”\n“You got your dick sucked in the back seat”
Randomize
