I asked a girl to buy her a drink, she had I have a boyfriend, so I said, well i have a goldfish, she said what? I replied, oh I'm sorry I thought we were talking about shit that doesnt matter.
the red, white, and blue power rangers were all also in the porn buisness, good bye childhood
I spent my night drunkenly staring at a picture of John Stamos. How do you think I feel?
He burnt a smiley face into the screen with a cigarette, peed in my tub and then tried to take off his pants. tried...
She's going to get preggers, drop out of school, and end up working at mcdonalds. Great for our mcdoubles habit but bad for her future.
I just yelled at my mom for getting me circumcised without my permission. That drunk
That was the night I passed out and someone threw chicken at me. SORRY I wasn't available to cockblock you from that Hispanic dude.
I think the blind guy i flirt with on a regular basis is starting to realize he's old enough to be my father. I can't tell if he's into it or not.
I've really become a household name at this fraternity. Mother would be so proud.
There is a midget in cheetah face paint on a leash here
My grandpa is driving me to get condoms and wine. This is adulthood.
I need you to teach me how to be roommates with somebody I'm not fucking.
These tits shall not be calmed
stop texting me about your public sex.
says she who narrated getting eaten out in a movie theatre over text to me
I don't mean to alarm you but are the strongest testicles in the family. I just learned I can lift 90 lb with my balls! Beat that.
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