i love marijuana more then i could love a human baby.
I tried to go shot for shot with some guy called "shit show martinez"
fyi, we didn't break up, we just downgraded to occasional sex without ever talking about it.
It was like little house on the drunk prairie.
She loves me even though she knows all Ive done. Shes kind of like jesus.
i told him i should keep a toothbrush at his house for after all the times i threw up there. he said yes but i wasnt getting a key to the apt
No it's cool, He's been doing my English papers in exchange for lap dances since the eleventh grade. We're very professional.
It just goes to show you, your dreams can come true. You can hook up with your dads hot married friend.
The birthday girl is bringing her own barf bucket, it is going to be a good weekend.
Everyone is slow dancing to Aerosmith. I am serenading a slice of pizza.
That would warm my breasts.
In this context breast is a metaphor for soul.
I'm to sober to make life ruining decisions and alcohol is to expensive at this bar for me to fear that level of drunk happening
Whoever was doing lines off my iPad is a dick. Also bring Gatorade, for I hunger
For Who flesh?
Drunk me is basically the Oprah of nudes. Everyone gets one.
Then it hit me - his penis wasn't a shiny new toy anymore and I wanted a new one.
Randomize
