I have to get up uber early tomorrow. Which is why I started drinking early today
no its okay don't call 911, she's alive. just stopped by her house and banged on her door. she said she turned her phone off because she "had to be alone with her shame and embarassment". typical.
I felt like a body pillow being humped by a twelve year old.
True life I used my fake as a photo id for my final. My professor told me good luck and laughed. Hope the bouncers are in the St. Patrick's day spirit.
Where else am I to apply my creativity?
I don't know. Anywhere productive and not involving sex toys would be a start.
pouring popcorn down my shirt before we went to the bar was the best idea ever. it was delicious and convenient.
I found his retainer in my ass crack. It smells like shame.
She kept crying and asking why I couldn't look more like Dennis quaid.
As I fucked him you stood outside my door screaming, "I'M NOT JUDGING YOU!" over and over.
I was judging you.
Well who could blame her. I would run away from me if I could.
So I'm at that stage in my life where I am stalking my stalker just to get laid
Let's get drunk and put things on the grill that have no right to be there.
Happy birthday, America.
Best part about losing weight and not fitting into your pants any longer? They come off quick for chipotle emergencies.
Ripping out my IUD in Dave and busters bathroom
I blacked out and when I woke up and looked at the counter.. there was a full cake upside down. I dont even understand ...
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