Skipping work because i'm still too drunk from last night still. got home at midnight and passed out in front of my door for 2 hours bc i couldn't find my key
had to call my rooommate to let us in. Passed out in my dress and found the key on my hair tie-in my hair- just now.
I think I won the penis lottery.
Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
Well whatever you do have, it sure worked on me.
A Penis?
then you put baby powder on the bottom of your feet and walked to your room so "ladies would follow the footprints"
You asked me to be the big spoon, when you passed out on the stairs
sticking your hands in the toilet to wash your face is not acceptable. ever. i don't care how drunk you are.
So fucked up. Can't tell if I'm starving or about to puke. Playing it safe and eating froot loops. Tasty in, colorful out.
wtf are you talking about? You vomit-splattered the cop from the balcony. The cop YOU called because you drunk-dialed 911 because a 5 year old ate the last donut.
it was a krispy kreme
Fuck your 100 proof Hot Damn. Do you know what 100 proof vomit tastes like? Anger.
You kept saying "this bitch", mumbled incoherently for like 5 minutes, took a shot, and kept going.
Back at condo with chick. What is the condom situation urgent response needed
Got home & pissed on my moms carpet like a bear in the woods. I woke up to a picture message with me passed out on the floor with my pants down & hands covering my face. I've had an awkward week
Btw, how did you break into my room, and why did you decide that covering the mushrooms with a blanket was more secure than a lock on my door?
Seriously though, I walked in and he was holding my cat in the air singing "the circle of life"...
Randomize
