I answered the my mom's phone call about what we're doing for father's day while he was still fucking me. She thought I seemed really excited about his hiking boots present.
We told you to stay put for 2 minutes. We come back out and your being handcuffed yelling "DO YOU FEEL LIKE A GOOD FUCKING PERSON ARRESTING ME ON MY BIRTHDAY?!"
Yeah I should probably start planning our first conversation instead of our first child.
my longitudinal study of the long term effects of sloth and alchol-intake is nearly complete.
so you are graduating this semester.
Just found dollar bills in my sheets. What part of the weekend am I forgetting?
"Do You Wanna Build a Snowman" came on while I was riding his dick. I had to take a moment.
My sober self will be embarrassed tomorrow. For now I am laughing my ass off.
I know how vodka works Grace. I'm drunk, not stupid.
No. There is no way we have to stoop so low as to ask your dad for weed. There has to be an alternative.
WELP I KNOW THE HAPPY HOUR DRINKS WERE GOOD BECAUSE MOM JUST INFORMED ME I AM THE RESULT OF POKED HOLE IN THE DIAPHRAGM
I really need to curb my attractions to blondes with tattoo sleeves, firearms and alcoholism
falling asleep on a hardwood floor changes a person
YALL MOTHERFUCKERS WANNA WATCH HEAVY METAL AND SMOKE WEED AND PLAY POOL AND DRINK BEER AND SMOKE WEED
Remember when we got high off our ass and you talked me into running in place then punched me in the face and said it was a wall?
Ya, you were bleeding for an hour and a half
Fuck twitter. Fuck men. Fuck bras. Fuck flip flops. Fuck makeup. Fuck perfume.
Randomize
