I want to snug with you.
You want my snuggie?
I knew you were gonna be a good wingman when the words "dibs on the chunky one" came out of your mouth.
He about cried when I ordered pizza online. He said it was a miracle.
I accidentally screamed the wrong name last night. He stopped for a second, said "fuck it, you're too hot to care," and then continued fucking me.
I love how kegs are figured into our monthly bills
I mean I drunk but not enough to handle a Scientology convention
Was having a panic attack, but I'm out of xanax. Substituting with vodka shots and breathing exercises. My therapist will be proud, yes?
Found your counterpart from cali. Walked into the bar we were in with milk and a donut, ordered a beer and said anything his group wanted was on his tab....dangerous
I've honestly never felt so much emotion towards a wall
I never notice how majestic and beautiful my cat is unless I'm blazed
I know. In fairness he did tell me to throw up out his window onto his roof so I don't think he's pissed at me but I'm still mortified by the whole situation.
I told the emergency room nurse I didn't want to stop and ruin the moment. She said safewords are there for a reason. Super condescending. Got her number though.
Turns out it's a fake number.
FACT: You were laying down on top the bar letting randoms do bodyshots off you until someone told theyre friend "its time to roll, i wanna hit another bar" and you literally rolled your self right off the bar. have fun explaining your bruises tomorrow
My sister can't give you a handjob and us still be bros.
He has an 8 pack! HE HAS AN 8 PACK!!!!
Randomize
