Remember ______, girl, blonde, one of my roommates the first year of ________?
Yeah we hooked up in the top bunk bed while simultaneously having a conversation with u, so yeah, I remember her
dont worry your back hair reminds me of angel wings
Why am I the only one concerned that there's a dog in the movie theatre?
My hickies are dark enough that I can feel drivers judging me from across an intersection
It feels like eating ice cream while riding a unicorn over a rainbow waterfall made of glitter.
That is possibly the gayest thing that was ever thought of by anyone anywhere.
Just thought you should know the man you CHOSE to father your children has once again fallen asleep on the toilet. thanks mom
Look, the coffee machine died a noble death. It was the way it would have wanted to go. It was a mercy exploding, really.
I'm pretty sure I just orgasmned my way out of paying for that weed
I just hip-checked Santa and stole his cab.
The main motivators in my life are my sex drive and spite
I accidentally brought up how there used to be a big tree in his yard, which I could only have known if I had been Google mapping his house.
As soon as he called me 'darling' in that Scottish accent... my pants just dropped.
Greattt I just sexted my dad trying to write u back
after that bj i gave him, i could fucking punch his mom and he wouldn't give a shit
Drinking at 10 in the morning and swimming might not be the best idea I've ever had but it beats working
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