Let's play a little game called "Chill the Fuck Out" - you're our first contestant
Woman walking into toby keith concert: 8 months pregnant, black eye, shirt on that has a picture of a boot and the words "we'll put a boot up your ass" with an american flag printed over--the sleeves were ripped off and she had a camo cowboy hat. Greatest thing I've ever seen.
You go to school with some of the ugliest girls I've ever seen... How are you not getting laid?
Hey do you want me to wrap up that Jack in the Box you left in my gutter
You don't take my phone while I'm passed out, have a three hour conversation on it with Dealer Dave, set up a date with him and NOT TELL HIM THAT HE'S NOT TALKING TO ME.
She acts like a 3 year old but with fantastic tits. This girl is the reason women are objectified
OH HAPPY DAYS YOU'RE BOTH GINGERS YOU'LL REPRODUCE YOUR OWN KIND
Weekend plan is a big bag of dope, delivery food, Bollywood marathon and masterbating my dick raw.
He's sweet and rough. A wonderful contradiction. He's the starburst of sex.
Go to hungover. Go directly to hungover. Do not pass go. Do not collect 200 dollars
Woke up, moved an empty handle of fireball to spit blood, then put the morning cigarette out in it.
I was drunk and gave him my dad's phone number instead because somehow I thought that'd be funny. Man did that fucking backfire
The only time we had a decent conversation was when he was on acid, and, like, that's not a great start to a relationship.
I'm gonna do it. I'm gonna write gay mortal kombat fanfic. May the gods be praised for whisky
I hate to be the bearer of bad news, but yours is no longer the biggest penis I've seen. It is however, still the prettiest.
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