his roommates stood outside the locked door reading bible verses to us the whole time...
You told me that you only walk into walls because it makes the room stop spinning.
I can't wait to go to grad school so I am not your high unemployed friend.
I baptized my dog in my pool last night because he snapped at my party guests, how was your night?
I made her a sippy cup with eggnog and whiskey. My meditation app told me to go the extra mile for someone today, so I did.
He just fingered me to the Lion King soundtrack. And when he left he turned dramatically and said "I'll be back after work. Be prepared." Taint ALL the childhood memories.
My new roommate just announced that she got her period, popped a percoset, smoked a bowl, and started playing a video game. She says she's not moving till it's over. New hero?
i still can't believe he got laid by going to the bar and handing out "cuddle buddy" application forms
Pretty sure I used toilet water to wash vomit off my face last night...
Trying to put a fitted sheet on drunk is one of the boss levels of slutty adulthood.
There was a point where you were singing "Friends in Low Places" to yourself while Juicy J was playing so I got worried.
I threw a dessert topping at a baby tonight so drink up! If you stay sober tonight I will be very disappointed in you.
I just screamed IM THE CHUPACABRA and jumped on his dick. I need to evaluate my life choices.
After we finished having sex, he drunkenly tried to hugh five me, farted, then accused me of stealing his socks.
That’s true love. If they recognize a chocolate mold of your anus.
Randomize
