I think your mom looks like a breed of donkey and elephant, but her boobs are perfect
Who was more unwelcome: The two of us at the party last night, or Kimmy Gibler at the Tanner residence?
i love when people i haven't talked to since we fucked write on my wall.
I woke up with his wallet, but not him. Gold-digging at it's finest.
He upper decked the toilet, got himself lit on fire 6 times and lit 4 other people on fire in the course of 3 days.
Gong!
YOU'RE MARRIED NOW YOU CAN'T KEEP GONGING ME WHEN YOU GET LAID IT DOESN'T COUNT
There really needs to be a redbox for wine because I want some but too lazy to walk into a store
He made the Waffle House lady get me out of the car. This isn't a joke.
In my drunk state I was like I ONLY HAD SEX WITH SOMEONE ELSE BECAUSE HE WAS THE HOTTEST GUY IVE EVER EVEN SEEN
I feel like we have a good system here turning our sketchy decisions into great stories.
Kid got so high from the brownies he forgot his own name. Welcome to college.
I'm sitting on your porch drinking wine from the bottle. Just so your new neighbors know what kind of people are in the neighborhood
I want to eat a stick of butter
Did your pain meds kick in?
It tastes nice
I almost stopped mid bj to let him know I appreciated his balls being nice to look at/have my face near. But I didn't know if that would ruin, or improve the moment.
Brother gave me a harry potter philosophy book for xmas we need to get stoned and talk about this.
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