im surounded by vag. Like smog aound LA, i am suffocating in an atmosphere of pussy
Just puked in the monkey exhibit at the zoo. They ate it. I don't want a pet monkey anymore.
okay, I promise to stop paying strippers to hit you
You're just mad at the fact that I want to be a car alarm.
Trick or treaters just rang our doorbell
Give them the moldy beer cans, we need to get rid of those
I feel like my chances would have been better if I hadn't told her "I need to fuck you before you leave."
I am pretty sure we beat baby seals over the head in a past life. That is why we are being punished.
I'm closer to stabbing a fork in my neck than finishing this resume.
You should make us a hot pocket to split while I go throw up.
you missed 2am bagpipes and my roommate looking hot as fuck in a kilt
I sexted him with a GIF from titanic and it worked....
You poured a bottle of water into the salad bowl and said "bowls are a joke" and then poured it into your lap.
Tinder recommend to a friend: making threesomes easier since 2016
Just had a threesome for the second time in my life. I don;t even enjoy threesomes. Too much effort.
HOW DO THESE THINGS KEEP HAPPENING TO YOU?
I wish I had a tail.
Why?
...why not?
Randomize
