sorry i'm running a bit late. had to shave my brittney...was looking more like rapunzel. clearly i've been having a drought.
I'm seriously so bored I'm seeing how many rooms I can masturbate in before I get caught.
Four. Poor grandma...
bro...we were banging on her floor and her dog walked in and started licking my balls
he wanted to have sex on the little rocking chair but i was too high to figure out how to do that so we did it on the floor.
Did I tell you that you looked cute last night? I looked at the pictures. I lied.
Do any of you want to be on a three way call with me while this girl masturbates in 10 min? You can't talk
Ended up at a lesbian bar and almost got stabbed in the eye with a dart. Weirdest bachelor party ever.
LSD in a sugar cube. Dropped it in my whiskey sour and felt like I was rowing a boat.
I realised my life had gone downhill since being unemployed when I was making key lime pie on acid at 3am Tuesday morning.
Driving to get a preg test with my ex, wearing my unicorn hat
You are so not ready for motherhood
I'm not wearing a bra, watching Netflix and eating gushers. I don't know a better way to spend a hangover.
I was having the most awesome dream about onion rings and you hit me and told me to stop touching you...WTF?
He's gotta be able to drive a truck, make me mac n cheese and give me the best orgasms. That's my perfect man
I shit like a lady though so that rarely happens
I just threw up in front of a bunch of parents/prospective students while they were on a campus tour..awesome..
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