Coming down off exstacy at a church event. Resisting the urge to dance to the church hymns.
my coke dealer is running a Black Friday special
Please come to History lecture. The kid two seats over is belligerently drunk.
when i was alone, his dick was there for me...
Just had a stripper snatch my glasses off my face with her ass
Having a dry hump session to Alvin and the chipmunks surprisingly didn't kill the mood. He's that good.
You walked away saying that you had to pee and you never came back. We found you an hour later in his roommate's bed. Under the covers. Still in your wet bathing suit.
if you are still a virgin by winter break we are throwing an aztec themed sacrifice the virgin party
They shoved things up my nose I feel violated
FOund a bunch of old fireworks spring cleaning.
Who is our new insurance provider?
So I'll bring my machete and we can smoke your shit.
Out of context, that is a hilariously scary message.
The only monogamous relationship I can keep is with my eyebrow lady...
How high were you when you left that message, cause you made honest-to-God, credible seal noises.
woke up and you werent here...its ok if we're never going to speak again but my furry hand cuffs are missing and i would like them back. thanks.
He passed out before we could have sex. I had no choice but to use his boner to hold my onion rings.
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