the the hell do you 'accidentaily" jizz on a shirt thats folded in a drawer?
i think guys can sense when i'm not wearing underwear
i had the deer in headlights look when she walked in and i was digging in her hamper
You know how I told you I don't have many naked pics? Apparently that changed last night.
Just getting around to doing laundry. Jesus there's a lot of blood on my birthday dress.
I told the girl who was peeing in the garbage can she must have had a lot of upper body strength.
Yea idk it was like early in the morning and you were walking around with no shoes carrying a printer
WHAT? When did I ever refer to one of my past hookups as "the rainforest guy"?
Some clips from last night: grinded like I haven't since college. Took shots with a bartender with a bad ass mustache. Made up a string of lies with fake names and occupations. Slept behind the couch with pizza in my hand
Will you be my therapist? I don't want to tell me secrets to a strange person and be judged all over again when you have already taken the time to do it. Oh and I will pay you with alcohol
Dude I was walking down the street and threw up in a plastic cvs bag. Tequila wins again.
First encounter with a mirco peen. I was confused when he said he doesnt go down on girls. Cmon dude, practice on a peach.
i feel like a cleansing fire is the only way to purify the house
He asked the waiter, at 6:40 am, drunk, if they served alcohol. After he said no, he's like 'well, I guess we can eat then.'
He just blew a .079. Jesus loves him THAT much.
Randomize
