I puked in the AC vent. thing are gonna get ugly come summertime.
Only you could manage to look like a complete slut while wearing a turtle neck.
I just took my friends on a tour of all the places I've had sex in my house. I dont know if that's more slutty, or the fact that it took 2 hours to complete..
And on top of all this... he just told me to "chill my nips."
if you spike my cofee one more time im gona fuck you up. im presenting to the mayor in sevven fucking minuets. fuck you and youir fucking bartending classses i am so fuckign fcked
To the genius that put everclear in my humidifier: your time is coming.
I don't want to get into details but it feels like there was a bear mauling involved. A very good bear mauling.
Oh my god. He likes it up the butt. But loves womanly support. Omg. Its bad. Its bad. Ive had too much whiskey for this to be ANYthing except bad.
dude she got out of bed and definitely took a shit then checked her stomach out in the mirror and whispered "well that probably took off five pounds"
Just found my socks folded and in the back pocket of my jeans. Apparently drunk me refuses to lose shit after the panties incident over New Years.
His water bottle is sitting on my coffee table like a monolith dedicated to the things he is not doing to my vagina.
Sangria Sundays can't keep happening. Even my second grade students know I'm hungover. Benji even gave me his oreos its that bad
I asked my boyfriend if he wanted a bong for his birthday but he instead asked for corndogs
the cheaper the better
So, I just ordered a breathalyzer for this weekend. I figured if I'm getting shitfaced, I should at least be scientific about it.
So apparently I fell asleep sitting on the toilet last night while my drunk girlfriend sang to me.
Randomize
