dude this 15 year old girl saw our youtube vid and just facebook messaged me saying i was verry verry pretty. i have no schemas for how to respond to this situation.
woah 15?
i know! what is this dateline?
I have a critically important question to ask.
Why does watermelon-flavoured candy exist?
Is snow just God skeeting all over the place??
Yes. Yes it is.
He managed to scream "cowabunga bitch" before he went down on me. Let me know if you still like him.
Honestly I will go to church for him, I will even try to quit smoking for him. But his dick is not worth losing alcohol. He sure as fuck isn't taking away our wine nights.
At least you get to smell pizza at your job. I just smell despair all day long.
I'm ashamed and embarrassed. Unless we get drunk and have random sex with people we will never see again we might lose ourselves.
can we for just one second remember that I played with a homeless man's rat at st marks?
I apologize that you just fell victim to my random thought of how to make a blow job come to life via emojis.
he's so sweet and its so cute. but I swear to fuck if I let my guard down and this was all a lie I am going to become a serial killer.
Didn't realize he fucked me in a bed a dog is always in until my face swelled two sizes and I had hives all over my body. This is God's way of punishing me for having amazing sex.
Hey, don't blame me for the shitty evening; I wasn't the one who promised hookers, Dos Equis and foster kittens. Keith was.
Did you fill my inhaler with tequila?
Yeah, so?
I guess daylight savings isn't a holiday we need to celebrate for three days...
You chased a rabbit then knocked on a police car and asked the cop "if he saw where that little bastard went."
Randomize
