I'm pretty hammered, I'll elaborate tomorrow
if it walks like a guido and talks like a guido, i'm gonna fuck it.
If I can't get a one-legged man to love me, what the hell chance do I have with a NORMAL guy???
There is a pube in my fucking eyeball
she had that "i just got used" look on her face when i kicked her out at 5am
What ever happened to the whole 'innocent until proven guilty' thing. Like 'not pregnant until proven pregnant'. That's how it should be...
I'm going to keep a tally of how many lives I ruin this summer. Starting today.
Already at 3 and it's not even noon.
I seriously don't understand how you keep getting laid.
Because I'm like the spider of false hope. I spin elaborate tales and snare them in my web of utter disappointment. They soon realize their mistake, but by then it's too late.
stef broke her leg trying to vault over the coffee table. these olympics drinking games are going to fucking kill us
Just threw up in front of the Boy Scouts on my base. Welcome to the Navy kids.
I woke up with my name tag for work still on my shirt. It was a rough night.
Woke up on the couch with one cowboy boot on and a hat over my crotch. God bless texas.
she had a dildo shaped like a dolphin. she will forever be known as Flipper
I just drunkenly signed my mortgage application...
Is this how the global financial crisis happened?
I thought it was your cat but I was wrong your Roomba is possessed by a pissed-off evil spirit.
Randomize
