Just threw up at the table during our Father's Day dinner. And I managed to get quite a bit on dad, so that was nice.
He just screamed at her, "if you pass out i am still having sex with you!!!" In front of the entire party.
I successfully cooked a taquito with a lighter! My stomach hurts now tho.. im either guna blame it on the undercooked taquito or im feeling guily about porkin my brothers gf a lil bit ago
I bought the love spell lotion from victoria secret so it atleast smells like a girl is present while I'm masturbating
I like how my family gatherings are basically an ugly sweater party just with better beer and wine...
Can I use you as a job reference? Don't tell them i got you fired cause I banged you tho
After I gave him a handjob for a half an hour he told me I should be a taxidermist. I'm gonna take it as a compliment.
Worst walk of shame everrr. Hopefully the thought of me walking 20 minutes in the freezing cold with someone else's sweatpants, a bra on & high heels will cheer you up today.
Oh god there are people jogging. Fuck off productive people, you don't know me.
I feel like telling him your vigina was older than him was not a good pick up line.
She's calming us down by shoving oreos in our mouths
I told him finishing at the same time would be a long-term project. Like flipping a house. A sexual house.
My new successful method of booty calling is sending a screencap of a map with the shortest route from their location to mine highlighted.
No no no he wouldn't talk to me before I showed his best friend how good I am at twerking
I haven't even had my coffee yet and you're being slutastic
Sorry I fucked your cousin. Again. I just wanted him to take me on his boat.
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