Do you ever look at a vegetable and think "that would be awesome to shove up my vagina"?
I told him I would sleep with him if he could name all the colors of the wind.
i know we're in college but you cant booty call me at 3 in the afternoon. i dont care how drunk you are.
Just found out that wake n bake is not one of the 7 habits of highly effective people..
Taking shot for every red box on your worst bracket. I have 30. I might die tonight.
Hey, no judgement here...this is the girl that threw up on a box of kittens at the magician's house
I just tipped the cab driver with pistachio nuts. And he loved it.
Dude you were tripping so badly we put a pretend box around your head and you spoke silently for the rest of the night. I think pterodactyls were involved.
There should be an app that tazers me in my pocket when I'm spending too much money at the bar. Take a hint, Android Network. You slut.
I'm going home because your Crackraptor step-brother tried getting his nasty meat hawks in my pants last night.
I just moved 6 traffic cones blocking a row of traffic. I got applause.
How did you tell her we met?
I told her that we met at the sex shop down the street, I thought it would be the most reasonable explanation.
Apparently when cookies are around I think of myself as a puppy and reward myself for everything #WhoIsAGoodBoy
Wearing my one sleeve dress...thought you'd like to know I shaved ONE armpit lol
You'd be proud...I've an early morning wake up booty call...he should be here around 6am ish...I told him to wake me nicely.
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