the sex was like sticking it in a jar of mayonnaise
just saw a prosititute with a baby stroller...question is...if the baby wakes up is the blow job free?
I thought smoking would make her look better, but all it did was enlighten me to her snaggletooth
Sounds like a blessing in disguise
I havent dry-humped that much since freshmen year. Forgot how good it doesnt feel.
The woman at the nail salon waxing my lip just showed me the strip with all the hair on it while smirking. Apparenltly 'you have a stache' can be communicated through a language barrier.
Im not gonna remember this tomorrow but the real money is in coke i wanna get a dark wood desk and cell coke then i can own taco bell and the xxl chalupa will be mine
...Then she just started hitting me with a loaf of bread.
They put me in charge of something. Why the fuck would you look at me and put me in charge of something while i'm double fisting peach mimosas at a baby shower
I wish we could skip the pretense of being normal and just start drinking wine with breakfast
My penis just literally said "Yaaaaaay!!!" It's the first time it's spoken out loud. Before this we could only communicate through rudimentary sign language
the dj asked me quote "are you sure you're sober enough to do this?" And I grabbed the mic from him and said "ill fucking show you sober- HIT IT". I also dropped the mic at the end so he had to come around and pick it up
Shania Twain would have been proud
Just stepped off the plane in St. Louis. I'm breaking out in hives, I'm allergic to Midwesterners. Can't WAIT to get the fuck out of here.
I love how my phone automatically capitalizes Margarita. R-e-s-p-e-c-t.
You're like a human soul vacuum cleaner.
Sorry I threw up all over your Lyft.
It's ok I woke up next to a dumpster.
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