remember that time that crown gas station wouldn't sell us a lighter so we had to use matches and birthday candles to smoke with a toilet paper roll? sometimes i miss high school
True Life: I puke at bars and try to catch it in my hand...then walk away like it didn't happen
Wait, we're on the hunt for addys and explosives. They're both in this house somewhere.
you make it seem like sunflower seeds and pinot grigio are not in the food pyramid.
he just left. I blew him in my kitchen while my parents slept down the hall. Welcome back home!
he called me back to his office so he could lick a line of pixie stick off of my thigh
be sure to add "office slut" to your resume
He decided not to draw dicks on my face when I passed out because he was afraid I'd retaliate and superglue his dick to his stomach....he knows me too well.
I've woken up in some weird places in my lifetime, but never in a tent in my own garage.
On a side note...my DUI lawyer just snapchatted me. This is the exact moment in time when I realized my like IS a joke.
Hey. Make all the seamen/semen jokes you want. Not many people can say they fucked 2 different girls in two different countries in one week on a tax free bonus. Next up: Italy.
He was on my bed looking at me like a sacrifice to the gods of gay sex and he's definitely a bottom. Like Jesus Christ a really, really great ass of a bottom.
All of the hungover. I've changed not showered but can't quite make it to the booze.
WE'RE IN THE RED ZONE PLAY THRU THE PAIN
i don't think i have enough personality to make it through this date sober.
My stuff that was at your place last night smells like doughnuts. I'm not even mad.
I think he just shit his pants. Yep he did. That's unfortunate.
Randomize