Im a photoshop master, i successfully reduced the size of the pupils of all the girls I made out last night with to prove they were not that drunk. So glad the camera goes home with me.
What's the point in getting all dressed up and going when i'm just gonna throw up on myself by midnight?
his tattoo said carpe diem which i thought was ironic considering his epilepsy
You tried feeding my python vodka through a funnel. Fuck off.
drunken yoga. on the beach. senior week. you have been chosen <3
How do I know I'm high? Let me count the ways.
1. I put the milk in the cupboard, 2. Everything tastes fucking amazing, 3. My dog is really soft, 4. The lunesta butterfly flew out of my tv and touched me
I didn't know he had a girlfriend until after we had sex when he said, "Man I really gotta stop cheating on my girlfriend."
Well, most of my extended family doesnt know about my love for the penis, so they dont have a reason to disown me
This has to be the weirdest conversation I've ever had sober and in the middle of the day before.
PLEASE HELP ME THE AMERICANS ARE YELLING ABOUT TURKEY, I DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO
They're the one who can profit the most when given the opportunity for blackmail.
At least that's how I've always seen it whenever I've been the Designated Driver.
That simultaneously explains everything and makes me very very terrified of you.
Not sure if I should ask if I can have my underwear back or just avoid that all together.
dude, he literally lasted one minute. and i paid 8 dollars for cabs.
So, I can officially cross "getting eaten out in a church confession booth" off my bucket list.
I don’t care if there’s a pandemic. My husband gave me a hall pass for my 40th birthday and I’m going to use it!
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