then she woke up from sleeping for an hour and the first thing she said was "i regret it already"
Theres a baby at this concert double fisting pacifiers. shes gunna do great in college.
I officially lit my glove on fire while lighting the bong. Winter needs to end.
after i talked him through a bulleted list of why we couldn't have sex he just said "but it would be fun...."
I dont care how high you are "yes" is not the correct response to "what do you want from Taco Bell" Mom.
I asked for my Beats earbuds back and he sent me a pic of them tied around his penis. Now I miss both my great ear buds and his great dick
When that wave blew your top off I heard someone yell "SPANK BANK"
As a former fat girl, that's probably the best compliment I've ever received ever!
almost dropped my phone in the toilet but it somehow bounced off my tit and landed on the floor. Boobs: saving me hundreds of dollars in bar tabs and smartphones since '09
Crying on the toilet and taking a shit. This is what being an adult is about
Have you ever eaten pizza and gotten your dick sucked at the same time? Because I have pizza.
I'm not over that dildo rifle story. I don't think I ever will be.
I'm so horny right now but I JUST put my fuckin lasagna in the oven
fuck sobriety. I want to wake up tomorrow in a park or some shit.
For some reason drunk me always leaves sober me a banana in the morning.
Sorry for peeing on your books last night. I wouldn't leave them next to the window anymore.
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