Seriously.......what do you have to do to get arrested in Vegas???
He just slept in my bed for a couple hours and asked lots of questions about gay sex. No, I do not have his number.
She offered to massage my back by hitting it with a sparkly purple double dildo... Bi chicks can get creepy
Jim came in did 3 body shots of her she said "I like your tongue" and they left. I swear to god its deja vu he's done it before
Driving to get a preg test with my ex, wearing my unicorn hat
You are so not ready for motherhood
Last night dinner was cinnamon buns and whiskey. At least tonight I had a fajita with my cookies and tequila. I may be a little stressed about these end of semester tests.
There's no discreet way to sneak a cucumber into the shower lol
You came down the stairs dressed as winnie the pooh and kicking cups off the table and out of people's hands
JEREMY RENNER GOT DIVORCED. I STILL HAVE A CHANCE.
this makes me concerned. not enough to actually do anything about it, but yeah.
My fuck buddy just proposed... Correct me if I'm wrong, but doesn't that completely defeat the purpose of FRIENDS with benefits?
Now you can be friends with Insurance Benefits.
On a brief change if topic, last night I dreamt I got shit faced with bill Nye the science guy and we went bar to bar and explained the science of alcohol to everyone who'd give us free drinks. We wore bow ties
What color nail polish screams, "Either fuck me or get the hell out of my way"?
What has my life become? I'be officially recruited my fuck buddy for help getting my ex back.
i'm bringing homemade birthday cake and homegrown weed. how awesome is this text?
Randomize
