dude, i look like john mccains neck right now
The only ground rules are no one is allowed to come who will say "no, that's a bad idea" or "what if we get arrested?"
just saw a couple drunkenly stumble over to the family planning aisle of Walgreens. inspiring.
Note to self: never do anything I don't want to explain to a paramedic
So i'm in a museum and theres a punch bowl from 1765 with a picture of 3 men forcing the 4th to drink the punch bowl. Colonial hazing
I have bruises on my ass from her spurs. God bless Texas.
I will miss his soup and his dick the most
I awoke this morning to a naked boyfriend flying a remote controlled shark around his apartment. This is my life.
Well the walls are thin and I can hear the couple next door having sex. I think their dog is somehow involved.
You brought us all personal gifts you had stolen from the party and bellowed "hoes hoes hoes, clepto Santa loves you"
I need to establish a pattern of dominance early.... I'm like a slutty Cesar Milan
My mouth tastes like what I imagine a hobo's skin would taste like.
you sternly forced jackson to start preheating the oven around midnight so you could make bagels in the morning
you were serious about those bagels
I'm wearing a fleece onesie eating pop tarts on the train to work. Killing it.
I think drunk me saved him in my phone as "beautiful man" to play a joke on sober me
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