Umm I'm too high to move.
my sister just canceled her nose job because she thought it would hurt too much
It'll hurt less than being alone
I love girls that fake tan. Can you say p p p p p p p p pumpkin face
The only thing I can remember you saying is "I won't cut pizza like this when I'm older."
I thought of you while cleaning the forehead prints off my glass doors.
Well you wanna do it now or later? I've had three shots and I'm listening to journey by myself. Emotionally there is no better prime time than right now.
I have officially tracked lube all over our house on the bottom of my socks without knowing it. Don't slip when you come in
I just want to let it be known that I almost put my phone in the fridge.
Watching elf, eating a tub of ice cream, and coming to terms with the fact that I haven't had sex in 5 months. Happy fucking holidays.
we got kicked out of her coke dealer's house when we wouldn't stop quoting "a league of their own"
communist
I've needed to start drinking protein shakes to keep up with her. It's like my dick just started doing crossfit.
I'm slowly starting to accept that you have to be a sociopath to be attracted to me
Should we make a shared Google doc list of places we want to fuck? Like a scavenger hunt?
So... Sorry we took your wife to the strip club last night... And sorry we bought her that lap dance... I think you're getting closer to your dream of a threesome, though.
Just puked most of my soul out..
Randomize