so...dinner was kid's cuisine and a bottle of wine. i think they go well together.
im starting to measure my showers by the number of beers i drink while im in there.
Why is there an empty beer bottle in the shower?
Why wouldn't there be.
Chick stood right next to me in the elevator. Like she had the whole elevator and she stood right next to me. So I farted.
I don't know. I guess at the end of the day I wanted taco bell more than a boyfriend.
Totally get that.
She was giving me a handjob while I was wearing a sombrero with a beer in one hand and a hammer in the other.
Our new goal for this summer is to fuck so hard we lose his security deposit.
I literally just got propositioned by a sugar daddy.
OUR DREAMS ARE BEING REALIZED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
We were Chugging coronas for the soul purpose of launching limes out of the 3rd story window, I'd say it was a good weekend
I am taking a candle lit bath, blasting some tupac and smoking a fat bowl. This is how every night should end. Did you go take a piss in his car yet?
But now I'm just thinking when he said he "worked for the airline" he actually meant drug smuggling.
Bottom line; if I'm coming out of my bat cave to do the dishes and get a chicken wing and I have no pants or makeup on and my messy bun looks more like Santa got leprosy and crashed his sled into the back of my head then let me be. That's all I'm saying.
he took a fucking pitcher of koolaid and vodka to the bath with him... i wake up from my blackout to his roomate screaming cause he spilled it and passed out in the middle of a blood red tub. she thought he killed himself. jesus christ its only the first day of break and i already regret coming home
This is not a test of the emergency warning system. He has broken my vagina. I repeat he has broken my vagina. Damn it was good.
Wakes up in a cold sweat at 3am, 136 unread messages and the preview on the notification is "I JUST GOT TO THE INCEST PART"
Randomize
