no homo or anything but the way you were dancing with that girl gave me a boner
Just got kicked in the balls by a girl in tap shoes. Fuck EVERYTHING
I still cannot believe I yelled at every guy at the bar "you wanna get in this clam?!"
I woke up tied to the door handle with reindeer patterned socks. You can tell it's Christmas.
Do you remember anything yesterday that led to needing a cup of couscous in my closet?
They only knew me as the lesbian that passed out in a bathtub. That's not what you call friendship.
I drove your lawn mower home. Hope you don't need it tonight. I'll bring it over tomorrow.
So maybe putting the blacklight above the futon wasn't the best idea...
It's a hurricane, not a zombie apocalypse. WHY DID YOU BUY SHOTGUNS?!?!
Do you have any pictures of me mounting animals that aren't on Facebook?
He wouldn't let me leave his house until he made me orgasm once for every year I've been alive. The birthday sex song did not prepare me for this.
i puked in the 2nd best shower and the couple fucking in the 1st didnt even pause so you might wanna hold off on that for a while
Actually, I may scrap this entire plan. I just realized that I had sex with a guy with his own whiskey commercial.
I woke up beside him and almost cried. Then I realized you were on the other side so I knew I hadn't made any bad decisions.
let your parents know i'm sorry i ran around the house pretending their metal detector was a "booze detector"
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