I have no morals, kinda like you have no standards
None
It's like trying to pry an octopus off you. Except the octopus speaks English and can get drunk.
We were gonna play Truth or Dare but like 10 minutes in we decided to get naked and play Dare or Get the fuck out.
For the record, saying you're friends with the owner doesn't work when the owner is the one throwing you out.
almost got into it with the cashier. bitch dont look at me like that just cuz im only buying wine and icing. ill fight.
I filled two of the glass ornaments in my mom's bathroom last night with vodka. That way no one sees me drinking on Christmas. Alcoholic or genius? All I know it makes bathroom trips frequent and enjoyable.
why are our drunk alter egos so much more successful than us?
No you usually just ranted about the voicemail bitch until she cut you off again
It was darkish out, I was shit faced, and they should have marked the electric fence a little more clearly. The entire wedding reception saw me run full force into it
I wish I got like a congrats basket for being a responsible sexually active member of society complete with condoms, tissues and lollipops.
THIS IS A TERRIBLE REWARD FOR NOT GETTING PREGNANT.
Have you ever looked death in the face and have the urge to shit yourself. I'm in that situation right now.
logically I know i should probably study somewhere outside my dorm room, but if I do that then I cant drink and smoke half as much while i study
My friend came into the apartment in real handcuffs at 4 in the morning. She was laughing and running around and then proceeded out the door...
Dude why can't I remember anything after walking in from my first beer bong?
It was immediately followed by your second, third, fourth and fifth
Randomize
