Yes give me all the cream and he's gone
my sister just canceled her nose job because she thought it would hurt too much
It'll hurt less than being alone
I would have added her but her profile pic was piece of pie
Want any specific kind of beer?
Yeah. Alcohol flavor.
Got it. Anything but Miller.
In retrospect - making it rain salt all over our kitchen was not one of my best ideas.
She woke me up, whispered "I like the size of your dick", kissed me, and rolled over and went back to sleep
Its all fun and games until someone grabs the electrical fence.
So I commented on one of his pictures "who do I have to give a full effort blow job to, to get the Ides of March movie poster behind you" he responded with a number that wasn't his. I still texted it. I love that movie.
Do you think you're physically and mentally capable of killing me? Because I'd really appreciate it.
I just totok an inventory of my purse: 1 apple, 1 pair of underwear, 7 condoms, $18 in ones, a check with "for sexual healing" in the subject line, and a 4 oz bottle of wine.
Oh! and a letter from a judge saying I got an interview. Cause that balances it out.
DOMA is dead. I'm definitely going to be the last of our friends to get married now.
I'm 99% sure I just puked glitter. Wine drunk Mondays shouldn't be a thing.
I just want you to know when I bang him in the back of my car later I'll have pony by ginuwine on repeat
Note to self: Calvin Klein's are not safe to shit in.
Got my period and a UTI on the same day. Fuck you, Sunday.
Randomize
