i wish everyone could be as happy as the people in the laxative commericals
No, that was before the police came, but after the hooker.
So apparently I ran down the hall to another party and started handing out uncooked spaghetti to strangers. You'd be surprised how many drunk people will eat raw noodles.
I accidentally screamed the wrong name last night. He stopped for a second, said "fuck it, you're too hot to care," and then continued fucking me.
apparently i told her i wouldn't press charges if she brought me food.
I feel like today should be a " im going to have sex with you cause its raining and theres nothing else to do" kinda day
This theraflu would make for a great margarita.
I can make a sudafedarita
I wish dancing around my house in my bra and underwear to Love Shack whilst eating strawberry cake batter was an acceptable form of exercise.
buying a tattoo gun on ebay just sounded like a good idea at the time idk man
I just made out with Ricky Ullman of Phil of the Future fame and I don't know what I'm doing anymore. Help.
He hasn't texted me back since last week when we sexted. I think telling him I wanted to choke him with chains was a bit much for our first time.
I chugged that bitch with a dip in.
You somehow managed to be a man whilst drinking a Mike's Hard. I commend you.
I'm eating hummus off of my stomach right now.
Well. I hope my dad likes whatever sweater stoned me picks out.
I fished a Couples Masturbation DVD out of somebody’s trash and kept it. That’s how desperate I am.
Randomize
