So I just found panties on our kitchen floor that had a slit in the vagina section. Does that mean shes open for sex, or she has a penis?
After she swallowed she let out a hurge burp. No BS. I'm the cock of the walk.
I think you have the wrong number. But at any rate, respect.
is it wrong that I want a "Where The Wild Things Are" tshirt that points to my junk?
That's terrible. At least give it a creative name like muff mobile.
You are such a cockblock sometimes
You NEED a cockblock sometimes
So somebody asked her is she's okay.She turned around,started running and screamed "Ballet is running through my veins" before doing a small pirouette.It's amazing how she managed not to fall.
im actually trying to see how many sex dolls we need for our raft so we can stay buoyant while we attack kayakers
Returning my drunken purchases from last night. Not a single thing I bought was on sale.
fuck it. from now on whatever room i wake up in, i'm stealing clothes from. this walk of shame shit is too much without pants
I know you're gay. But if I'm not getting dick, then you have to. That's what friends do.
Yea I almost drowned giving a BJ in the shower once
When you went off to sleep with that guy that looked like a dirty Jesus and I asked why all you had to say "trying to keep Christ in Christmas" and left. The Vatican called, you're going to Hell.
last night I learned that if you try to buy tacos in this town, that you will be stopped by three cop cars with breathalizers
I’ll call you in a minute. Trying to book an AirBnB so I can finally bang the yummy guy from yoga
Your downward dog is going to rock his cock. I’m jealous
"I'm 22, I could die in a piano bar." -a sentence i actually just said to my boss
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