You stayed up for three hours wasted, feeding my rabbit 2 1/2 boxes of girl scout cookies.
we found you in the closet, clutching coats that werent yours for stability
I feel like, for the first time today, we had a healthy yolo.
Now that we have successfully procreated, I need to know we are on the same page. Please tell me you are aware that there are whole seasons of our lives that our child can NEVER be made privy to.
We should probably write this down. That's a shit load of shit.
Went outside and he was playing rock paper scissors with a cop over a drunk in public ticket.
Hey, met you at the bar last night. You probably dont remember my name. You and your friends came back to my place, you shattered my window with your fist then dipped. Your gonna need to pay for that.
Thats where this cut came from! Thanks for piecing together the puzzle dude.
Can rosie odonnell just not be a lesbian? Shes stressing me out, knowing we bat for the same team.
Its like I've been given a sexual blank check.
they asked me about my neuroscience major and I said 'the brain is the outer space of the body' and passed out. it appears my ivy league education is not going to waste
ok I know you arent happy with the way we ended but paying someone to pass me an STD is TOTALLY FUCKED!!!
You don't know true terror until you get stuck in a porta potty while frying your face off.
Hey did you take a shower last night at like 4am?
"ummm...." (Thinking in my head) wet towel, soaking wet hair, clean pjs on backwards... "that would make more sense then what I thought happened..."
Was not aware that standing loudly up off the couch and loudly, drunkenly slurring "I'M EIGHTEEN NOW BITCHES" counted as a primitive mating call.
It seems I've entered my 21st birthday the same way I entered this world: naked, crying and smothered in someone else's bodily fluids...
I got confused. The music was loud, porn was playing, people were grinding, there were hand jobs.
Randomize
