he was so hot that i framed the used condom. it's not trash, it's art.
I just changed her number in my phone to "You Wouldn't If You were Sober"
Brickbreaker makes my post drinking poops that much better. Sorry, I had to tell someone who might agree.
Why do you have Season One of Reba in your underwear drawer?
Why are you in my underwear drawer?
Maury Povich's contact info is in our database at work...i should steal it right?
Shit. We're going to have to drink until they're cute
Hello cirrhosis
He wore my sunglasses on his honeymoon..... so there's that.
It's gay pride, I'm in my EMT uniform getting more girls than your straight ass ever will..
I'm trying to be all porn star and he's making it all The Notebook
But I'm currently thinking of all my bad decision making last night and giving myself a time out.
You are lucky that I'm drunk. Otherwise I would bone you into another universe
Feel weird saying this on Facebook, but a dildo collecting demigod sounds like somebody I'd at least hang with for a minute.
im gonna shove his purity ring down his throat
Realization: many of my behaviors would lead to me being stoned to death in a lot of foreign countries. God bless America.
Legit just heard the bartender tell some Dude "Penis is not an accepted currency in this establishment" and Dude responded "You take Vagina then?"
Randomize
