i cant decide if i should go fuck j*** or keep watching real genius
Turns out I'm like the Wayne Gretzky of hiding cum. Who knew?
I think we should boobie trap our beer this time using duct tape, rubber bands, seran wrap, and urine. Trust me I have a plan and it will work.
She's like a coupon for free blow jobs. No purchase necessary.
Without me, you would never be able to say you partied with a midget!
... thanks for letting me perform minor surgery on myself last night.
I figured if you were smart enough to sterilize with vodka, you could handle it.
I think off duty cops drove me home. I may have been hitchhiking
Are you having sex right now? Or is the apt just swaying rhythmically on its own? Either way, awesome.
You kept whispering "Party Dave" every time someone would start talking.
I guess crabs is what I get for sleeping with my ex.
I need a hug and tequila
I'm sitting next to a milk crate full of tequila right now
This is why we need to live in the same city again
somehow I feel like "adventures with cocaine and molly" wouldn't be an appropriate "How I Spent My Spring Break" essay topic.
I was apparently the best non-Irish person at the party. I wore my skating dress, Austrian flag and a giant shamrock. Everyone is calling me "30 Shots Girl".
Will you remind me I changed my hotspot phone password to fuckyouprivilegedwhitedude
is it sad that a disney movie is making me horny?
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