Obv we're gonna bbm each other in bed
I can only masturbate in one position. It's very inconvenient.
I think the universe is against us being together. Or maybe it's just god's way of telling me there is a bigger dick out there for me.
You know its bad when you can over hear the planned parenthood nurses talking shit behind your back... they've seen everything
So, apparently I made everyone omelets last night. Even when I'm drunk, I'm still a trophy wife.
rethinking that breast reduction surgery... i'm tired of drunkenly explaining the scars to guys who don't really give a shit
I just saw her shopping list. The only things on it are blackberries, hot fudge and condoms. I almost don't wanna know. Almost.
I shouldn't have to thank you for taking off your captain hat off before we had sex
I have already decided that it happened in an alternate universe since both of the people involved don't remember it and we only have the word of a sober person that it happened at all
He's high as balls tripping balls and doing a reenactment of the scene where Buzz jumps off the balcony and can't fly to his soundtrack of Toy Story.
The video of him doing the dougie made me telling him I didn't want a relationship, just his virginity so much easier.
They used the ice bucket from their room to drink beer from and called it the "Holy Grail"
Preface: Im drunk. But i think id make a good assasin. That is all.
It's the first weekend of the school year and I'm already selling stuff for booze. Need a microwave?
Taco Bell is better for you than cocaine, I promise.
Randomize
