I didn't mean to leave you there I just didn't know him well enough to throw up in his bathroom.
im sitting in the back of my pickup eating an artichoke. please come find me, im scared.
that was a mass text, wasnt it?
I'm sweating while I eat mac and cheese. That fat.
You know you're on day 1 of your period when the new mcdonalds commercial makes you cry
asked the cab driver where he learned Swahili last night.
I posted my balls on ericas instagram. It got 17 likes.
You told me to ditch them in the park, and when she jumped onto the car to stop us, you told me to scrape her off against a parked Jeep. That drunk.
She spilled creme de menthe on her crotch and I told her she looked like a menstruating Vulcan (costume idea!). Obviously, I went home alone.
No I got myself stoned. With her bowl. She was just a casualty of the War on Sobriety.
I'm pretty sure you and I ate the entire Keebler elf weed workshop
You motherfucker. I just had an MRI with a penny under my boob.
Holy shit, did you actually CHOOSE to get hit by the alcohol truck last night?
On a scale of 1-10 how inappropriate is it for me to ask if Walgreens offers teacher discounts when purchasing a Plan B pill?
Sorry you saw my balls. Pregame includes a lot of shaving.
Almost gave myself a concussion stealing a stuffed unicorn hanging on a street sign but hey I got home safe
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