He ripped my extensions out during sex, not noticing until this morning when he saw them on the floor. I told him they werent mine and he went and threw them in his sister's room.
theres a boy scout troop on my plane. right now theyre playing wilderness games. let me just tell you how excited i am to hit on all of them
I saw him at work today and he gave me a really awkward "I know what you do drunk" look...
You make homosexuality sound like a cult.
I know this is weird, but can you ask your girlfriend if she has my mailbox?
Seriously?
100%
There is no way I am paying you $5 apiece for pot brownies you found behind a dumpster. $2, maybe.
I'm confident that their children would come out as 100% authentic rats
there's a girl on facebook trying to buy me a pizza. I can't say no... right?
He made me twerk for scrambled eggs... I regret nothing
I'm going as your incestuous sister. If thats not the perfect winglady I don't know what is.
I have a 8 minute video of a fish tank on my phone.
We need to stop going to pet stores high.
He wore pink swim trunks on our date and repeatedly insulted my profession, but his cat kept standing up like a person to nuzzle my face and I felt like a Disney Princess. I hate this dude, but the cat is too amazing for me to not fake interest for.
It's still fucked up that my mom let me think Vanilla Ice was my dad for YEARS just because she thought it was funny.
I know we're not on great terms here, but I need to know if you're still available for sexual activity...cause if not I need to get going on a work-out plan.
I woke up handcuffed to a bed wearing nothing but an army belt. Does this count as thanking our country?
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