ha- omfg whatt the fuck is wrong w me. Alcohol+third cousins= bad decisions
It's 3 am and my parents just came up the driveway in a limo. They didn't leave in a limo. I'm scared to even ask.
That's ok. Our relationship has a solid foundation of booze and questionable behavior.
I just need to know if he's either really genuine about being in my life or being in my vagina.
you fully convinced the taxi driver that we were in a race
who knew i was capable of sobriety and human-like emotions all in the same night?
You just seemed really offended whenever my cup was empty.
We're using joints as your birthday candles
I seem to have forgotten that I am wearing a one piece bathing suit under my clothes
Last time we had an ultimatum like that, things went very far south. I'm down, but it's your turn to wake up in a hospital.
I'm honored that you could tear yourself away from your girlfriend's vagina long enough to text me.
This strip club is mediocre. Talent is fine. Fung shui is bad.
I don't know where you went, but if you're anywhere near the liquor, pour me another drink
So random question: what's a good way to tell your brother that his Skype sex kept you awake last night? I'm not really sure how that conversation begins.
I swear to god, if you ever yell my name during sex with my sister again..your balls will be stapled to your nipples.
Randomize
