I woke up after 12 hours of being wildly intoxicated, got jizz on my face, and woke up in a different bed than I passed out in. My makeup is still perfect. I'm writing Revlon a thank you note.
obviously my correlation between being a pro surfer and being extremely good in bed was 100% wrong.
I kept whispering "I love it when you call me big papa" until she got annoyed and left
Somehow I managed to make my Dunkin Donuts uniform look slutty. And I'm not even wearing hoops.
Note to self: don't jizz on a surface cleaned with Tilex. It WILL turn purple.
I thanked her dad for "firing off a good one" when she was conceived. She said thats why he doesnt like me.
I'm not sure that our 12-years-ago-high-school-"relationship," and 179 texts in the last 4 hours is gonna be enough to squeeze a naked smartphone picture of me. I'm gonna need some chicken wings or Makers Mark before that starts happening.
he was cumming and all I could think about was the pathway of sperm the in penis. thanks a lot nursing
Tommorow.Eggs Benedict and surprise blowjob day
Safe to say I'm terrified but totally AMPED
literally 50% of my time being 20 has involved my genitals thus far
YOU TRIED TO SWIM IN HER FISHTANK. I don't think she's going to call you.
I need to just embrace dildos and cats and call it a life.
I AM DRUNK AND AGGRESSIVE ABOUT CURLING!
The US is in the finals, aren't they.
Laying in bed naked is fun. I now see why guys love boobs... They're sooo bouncy! This long distance relationship is really killing my sex life.
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