He told me that he wishes our relationship was more like prison: less touching, more butt sex.
I have their Unicorn picture in my shirt, and I just threw a Bud Light Platinum bottle through their window. We need to go now.
Am I allowed to compare getting cum'd on the face to a warm summer rain?
He wanted to bang in the work van while we were on shift together. He convinced me with "It's like the Scooby Doo van but looks nothing like the Scooby Doo van."
Night just started and I've already seen a woman headbutt a brick wall. Unintentionally. Epic to say the least
Someone just walked into the bar with a pillow
I don't know whether to judge him or give him a high five
Zak is like the Picasso of masterbatory texts
Note to self: if you decide to go to the gym when you're coming down from your day high to shoot some hoops, do NOT play pickup basketball with the big black dudes who need a sixth
Her instagram is literally selfies, cats, and guys she's fucked.
I can't tell if this is a hangover or just a perfect combination of shame and regret
And if you put this on Facebook, I will drop live cockroaches in your mouth while you sleep and then smother you with a pillow.
You always say the most romantic things
It's 5am and I come home to you naked on the kitchen table and 3 people I never saw before fucking on the back porch ... and my weed gummy worms are gone. fuck you I'm taking your mom's offer
he said to "slap him" after he guessed the time correctly. i did.
I am 11 times too hungover to give the eulogy
Sextember may be over, but Cocktober is just beginning!!!
Randomize
