epic walk of shame this morning involving 2 subway transfers. I need to start sexing locally.
jersey shore has given me a vivid depiction of what things will be like for me once i get to hell
We folded our dollar bills into airplanes. This really makes the strippers work for it. Like air miles.
So my girlfriend used a threesome to tell me she wanted to leave me for a girl... Not entirely sure how I should feel about that.
Holy christ fuck what has my trainwreck of a life come to just blew a 17 year old so help me god
you were trying to convince me that you weren't drunk by grabbing my shoulders, looking deeply into my eyes and saying "i can see your sparkle"
He came up behind me making dolphin noises in my ear when I noticed a collection of hors d'ouevres from the reception earlier in his jacket pocket
I will never doubt you again...he IS perfect for you
High water is the most godliest tasting water in the world.
Hey you remember last Super Bowl when I sent you a pic of my testicles? Memories...
My 19 year old brother just hooked up with his 45 year old cougar kindergarten teacher. These sorts of situations make me realize why the sorority girls call him Wondercock
I didn't want to but I was drunk in a Disney bathroom with her and had a weak moment.
I just threw up 34 cents. What in god's name did we do last night?
Also, my phone suggested the phrase “puke in the mailbox" how many times have I had the need to text that to people?
A check for $9 that I used to buy six boxes of Girl Scout cookies bounced. I think I've hit a new low.
Oh man I wish I could've gotten a picture of how many anti-circumcision stickers are on this Prius
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