I'm at a bar that has girls so awful looking even you would not have sex with them.
Well... I doubt that.
What happened to the watermelon?
You fucked it.
I've been deciding between brands of bagels for 20 minutes. This why I doint smoke weed.
My brain is officially off for summer until late august. If that guy wants to fuck me, he better do it soon.
where did this taco bell managers name tag come from ?
drunk freshman in the bathroom puking keeps saying "i'm a peasant" over and over
In hindsight combining orgy Thursday with mystery drink madness was begging for failure
He called me baby cakes during sex... Can U not
I never thought the most recent texts on my phone would be with ASAP ferg and my ex...
i asked him to talk to me in french while we fucked and halfway through i caught the word 'lasagna'. turns out he was making his grocery list.....i asked him to keep going.
if i seriously got my dick up last night, then im taking him to disney world cause thats just fuckin impressive
I got outsmarted by a door tonight. Twice.
We walked around last night for hours saying nothing but nom nom nom and barking at each other.
I was pretty sure he wouldn't be into me after I fucked his brother, and then his best friend, and yet, here I am doing lines off his stomach
I am so dumb. I made a mistake and let him get away.
Don't worry, there are other penises in the sea.
Thanks, mom.
Randomize
