Upon hearing of his newfound access to every orifice... even ones he just made up... the Grinch's penis grew three sizes that day.
I called the bar to ask if they found my Id and credit card and they remembered me as 'the girl who signed her receipt in blood'
So he saw that playlist i made with his name as the title. i think he's creeped out that I have 106 songs that remind me of him
If there was a creeper hall of fame you and me would be the first two inductees
I appreciate the offer. Swallowing pride is much like swallowing cum, difficult and unpleasant
What's the protocol on showing a video of me sucking the life out of my ex in order to prove beyond a doubt that I give great head???
He kept making me pretend I was his personal trainer. When I swallowed his cum he made me pretend I was drinking a protein shake. Thats actually what it tasted like.
I fingered her though her window because she couldn't leave
As an added bonus, you will have a "25 blowjobs a month" voucher, expiring thirty days after the first initial bj.
The narcoleptic neighbor conked out while taking her dog out again. Drinking game based on what the dog does and how long she's out. You in?
In other news, I'm pretty sure my mom was encouraging me to have a threesome yesterday... I don't even want to start digging in that garden of horror and trauma.
they set my background as his mugshot to remind me "having a big penis won't be a valid excuse in a court room."
I just had to explain to an 70+ year old lady what 'coitus' was. This was not in my job description.
he really is such a sweet guy. it’s a shame i have to break his heart.
I'm sitting in the hospital with him while he's still half drunk with a busted leg because he thought he could do parkour off a rock
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