OMG - This guy with a mullet just told me - it wasn't a mullet - but his hair dresser layered it wrong. It's so walmart in here. I hate you.
I need a booty call who doesn't know my boyfriend or my friends.
Between the two of us weve fucked every guy at this table
In other news, shitting yourself is not an acceptable way to start a Thursday.
I'm surprised I haven't crapped out a leprechaun, I'm so hungover
The only thing worse than being hungover is being hungover and not able to open your mouth wide enough to eat a cheeseburger
The ketchup exploded, and totally splooged his face and the wall. You could see the outline of his head in the wall splatter.
I went from looking for a bong to home decor in a 10 minute span. This is what being an adult is all about!
Can we smoke pot out of a menorah?
Family trip though. I generally don't wheel too much ass with the fam in tow. Despite the fact my parents would be pleased if I did.
Twist bend and done? Jesus that sounds like a seventh grade hand job.
For both our sake, we've decided to ban watching combat sports before sex
You said "I'm not gonna waste my last condom on you" last night.
I'm so glad I can be everyone's guide to the world of fucked up kinks
Omg my brain. Most recent thought: I fucking prayed in the bathroom that the other girl would leave. Prayed to Jesus
Randomize
