Do you know how easy it would be to shoplift if I was a magician?!
You told her the u were going to wrap your dick around her neck and start her like a lawn mower. thats why she left.
pre-gaming in the library. just gonna keep going until i'm too drunk to keep working and then i'll be there.
Contents of my pockets this morning: phone, condom, one hoop earring, half a cheeseburger, lighter and a $87 receipt from tacobell. Time for work.
Ya know, since we do have alot of sex with each other i figure i should wish you a happy valentines day
Well who could blame her. I would run away from me if I could.
Dinner?
YES CON MARGARITAS POR FAVOR!!!! MUCHO MARGARITAS!!!
I will pee on everything he values.
Two ladies just showed up with my fucking purse. It was in the fucking street. I'm a train wreck. As a financial advisor, this shouldn't happen. I should be an adult.
I have bruises all over my body. Seriously, I'm a train wreck. I'm too damn old for hangovers like this.
She sent me a thank you card for not fucking her boyfriend...
I just smoked part of an Oreo cuz I thought it was some hash you left
I do have a history of lying to Customs. I once convinced them I was an astronaut.
He was a Cher impersonator. They are the draggest of queens
I felt the need to set off fireworks in the living room while they were having sex upstairs. Yes, they quieted down.
HILY FUCK HES HERE I HAVE MONISTAT IN ME HE SUPRISED ME
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