K, im just throwing this out there, i am not making out with any of his friends... Especially the cross eyed one.
Woke up in a closet. I'm not drinking till summer.
She just pulled out a chicken strip and a hundred dollar bill from her purse. This is a legit twentyfirst bday weekend.
I guess I realized I had a problem when I ordered 4 shots and told the bar wench to pour them all into 1 glass
I mean you guys are my friends and all but if you fuck with me I will not hesitate to set you on fire
I always "accidentally" drop a condom and make sure she sees it's a magnum. By the time I'm inside her and she realizes how small I am, it's all over in a flash and I'm done. Plus, they never call back so I never have to see the girl ever again. #gratefulforprematuretinypenis
PLAN B IS EXPENSIVE ON A $50 A WEEK BUDGET.
Chipotle just hit me... I want to go sit in the corner of the shower and cry until morning.
Halfway through she said I was exactly like she imagined. So many things have been stroked this night.
They're playing house music in my dentists office again, wtf is wrong with these people. That's not the music you want to get a root canal to
Why is there a chocalet milkshake outside our front door?
Alcohol
You seemed underwhelmed by my smooth, smooth ass
Just don't let me get too drunk. At one point I pulled out my dick and pissed at that party. Like on the wall.
you made out with another girl for some wings
I keep worrying the police are going to come looking for us.
For which one? Starting a fire on my porch or having sex on my porch?
Randomize
