Eating a burrito bowl w/ queso sauce is about as cool as the first time you have sex w/ out a condom
I'm sorry for everything. i woke up with two citations stapled to my shirt.
You fell asleep mid BJ last night. I put your pants back on you. My ego is pretty bruised this morning.
i just carried on a conversation with my mother from another room mid-ejaculation. you would have done the same
The best was having to tell my 16y/o cuz and her bf that we could see him fingering her in the inner tube. Lucky for them, I'm the cool cousin... and was river-level fuckedup.
i want you to know that after i type the word "your" , vagina is next on my auto correct text
im downtown. alone. lost. drunk. dressed as santa. dont find me. i just heard someone say mechanical bull.
i had choclate birthday cake for breakfast and am currently flossing my teeth w a condom wrapper. at work. hot mess for 200 alex
So are you still down for me to come stay with you and just have sex on vicodin all weekend?
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The lady at Walgreens was all excited my pregnancy tests had a coupon.
Nothing like a false "my-dad-found-my-weed" alarm on Christmas day.
You were asking her how her mother would feel if y'all dated, etc. And I was yelling at you your girlfriends name over and over again in between gags and sobs.
Waiting on the notification from my fitness pal that tells me I'm an alcoholic
You took the receipt and ate it. You then took it out and gave it to the waitress with slobber and holes all over it.
my near death experience doubled as my sexual awakening
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